APRIL 23, 2007

Hi Everyone!

Thank you once again, a million times over for your prayers! I got my CT Scan results back and they are quite amazing (are we surprised??) The wonderful news is that my lungs are clear, the mystery spots are gone. We will never know if they were a cancer or not because they were too small to biopsy. But we don't need to know the details when miracles are happening!

They also scanned my abdomen and found no cancer on any of my organs! There is a tumor on my liver they will continue to watch, but the radiologist is confident it is benign. There is still some "ascites" (peritoneal carcinomatosis) in my abdomen that the chemo should take care of. It is a fluid that collects in the abdomen for various reasons. In my case it is due to the cancer and contains malignant cells....so we will pray it away! There isn't alot, especially when you consider they removed 3 liters of it when I had my surgery! Yeah, I looked five months pregnant! LOL Okay...that's probably too much info!

I have my next chemo treatment Thursday. As you all know Michael is headed to Atlanta Saturday. As you also know the chemo hits me pretty hard so pray for us this weekend. Pray for travel mercies for the guys and for a calm spirit for Michael. It is going to be hard for him to leave during such a difficult time, but the commitment was made to do this show and it was for a good cause so, off he goes!

My red and white cell counts are lower than they should be after only 2 treatments. My doctors don't feel they need to intervene medically just yet. We are doing all we can to get them up with nutrition and exercise (what little I can do!) But I'll tell ya, I really get the cancer/fatigue issue. I am sharing this with you so you will be aware of it if anyone you know is going through chemo. It's crazy how weak you get, and I know I still have a long way to go.

"Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life" (Psalm 138:7) Our Lord has truly preserved my life, but I know he still has work to do in my soul. He does His best work when we are weak. The key is to be like Job (okay, really big shoes to fill!) No matter what assailed him, when all earthly hope lay dashed at his feet, he saw nothing but the hand of God. "Though I walk in the midst of trouble," literally means (in Hebrew) to go in the center of trouble! As we walk in the center of trouble, he preserves us. When the furnace is seven times hotter, he protects us. You may feel abandoned at the beginning, but you are NOT alone. Sometimes, and I know this is the case for me, we have to get to that point of complete and utter hopelessness before He can do that DEEP work He desires to do in us. We can be "good" Christians, yet still carry around so much junk, not have peace or joy in our hearts. My prayer for many years has been to have that "peace that passes all understanding." Has this affliction been an answer to my prayer? Did God take what was meant to destroy me and turn it into the means to bring me to that place of perfect peace? I'm not there yet, but far closer than I was several months ago, and it is exciting! I still have moments of fear and sadness when dealing with the realities of my disease. But then I find myself back to the place of trusting my Creator.

Fear not that the whirlwind will carry you hence, Nor wait for it's onslaught in breathless suspense, Nor shrink from the blight of the terrible hail, But pass through the edge to the heart of the tale, For there is a shelter, sunlighted and warm, And Faith sees her God through the eye of the storm.

The storm is your shelter from danger and sin, And God Himself takes you for safety within; The tempest with Him, passes into deep calm, And the roar of the winds is the sound of a psalm. Be glad and serene when the tempest clouds form; God smiles on His child in the eye of the storm.

Isn't that awesome? I don't know who wrote it so I can't give credit where it's due. All I know is it came from a book published around the turn of the century (1900.)

May God Bless you all and touch you with His love, grace and forgiveness, as you have touched my life with your love, prayers and concern.

Your big, mushed up ball of clay in the hands of the Potter, Kyle

PS Hopefully the vessel will begin to take shape soon :)

JULY 29, 2007

Words cannot express my joy. Our precious Savior has heard my cry ( and Your prayers) On July 26 I heard the word I have waited 5 1/2 very long months to hear: remission!!! A PET scan done on the 24th showed NO cancer activity.

How like God to give me new life on my birthday! (Please, that is not a "send me a card" hint...Lord knows you guys have been Hallmark's best customers over the last 5 months! LOL) My doctor referred to my remission as "miraculous" and said I had it beat before I began treatment. What a blessing!

I can remember how the night before I began chemo I had a quiet sense of assuredness that there was no cancer in my body. The treatments were necessary to build in me a treasure of experience. I now know the pain, the sickness, the despair, the weakness, even the loneliness chemotherapy and cancer brings. I also know the comfort God brings, even then. John 11:35 "Jesus wept." The shortest sentence in the Bible. He wept for Lazarus, He wept for me, for my children, for my husband. Wow! That is so huge for me. So hard to get my brain around. How hard to accept that Jesus loves me that much. He wept for me, He petitioned his Father on my behalf, He healed me. I knew Christ wept. I knew he healed, I knew he so loved the world, I just didn't know he found me worthy of a journey such as this, a miracle as big as this. My challenge now is to discover His will and live a life worthy of the gift He has given me.

To be fair, I had my share of doubts and fears. Everything I read on ovarian cancer told me mine had been too advanced. Michael and I attended my Aunt Ruthie's funeral Monday. She died after a courageous battle with ovarian cancer...... I can so relate to Peter. Seeing Christ, I got out of the boat and started walking. It was amazing! Then I looked down at the waves and began to sink. I am constantly reminding myself to look to Christ. The waves are not my problem. they are His. When God calls you to step out of the boat (or as in my case, you are tossed out of the boat) don't look at the water, (circumstances, statistics, negative people) look straight ahead to the light, to Christ and go forward.

I'd like to close this with a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt: "You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the things you think you cannot do."
Thank you all for standing with me in prayer and faith. This is your miracle too! We have seen the amazing power of prayer! This is just the beginning!

With Love and Gratitude,
Kyle

PS...There's more to come!

APRIL 2, 2008

This is a letter I began writing to you all in December. As hard as I tried I could never finish it. So here I am, almost three months later, still trying. This is what I wrote then:

This is probably the most difficult email I have written. I have put it off for too long and for that I apologize. You all stood by me during the most difficult time in my life. You upheld me with your love and prayers. God heard and honored those prayers and together we experienced a miracle.

It truly breaks my heart to tell you that my cancer has returned.

It returned in October, in a form that is resistant to the drugs used to treat ovarian cancer. The term is "platinum resistant." This quote comes from the National Ovarian Cancer Coalition, and it seems to explain my condition better than I can:

PLATINUM-RESISTANT

We discovered my recurrence back in Oct when my CA-125 (tumor marker) jumped from 11 to 81. I began treatment with a chemo called Doxil. After 2 rounds (2 months) my CA125 had soared to 1643. It was clear the Doxil wasn't working. I had to go over a month without treatment at all while the Doxil cleared from my system. It was a frightening time for us. We still hadn't recovered emotionally from the news

The cancer had returned, and we were facing one failed treatment so early in the game. About the time I stopped pounding the floors in tears and prayer, certain this monster was growing out of control with no treatment, my CA 125 dropped to 595!!! You can imagine our joy! I love it when God says "Hey, I did it!"

That was January.

Shortly after that I entered into a clinical trial. For two months I took an experimental drug that shrunk the blood vessels the tumors feed off of. It is a very promising treatment and it actually shrunk most of my existing tumors. They keyword being "existing." The cancer got smart and grew some, actually quite a few, new tumors that were resistant to that treatment. So, I had to stop that treatment. I am just ending another 4 week "washout" period. A "washout period" is simply the time it takes your body to rid itself of a previous treatment drug, and hopefully rebuild and repair in preparation for a new treatment.

Let me tell you, we are "fearfully and wonderfully made." Do not ever let anyone tell you the human body is anything short of a miracle. The ability God has given our bodies to heal and repair itself is amazing. Time after time I have seen the alarming results of my bloodwork turned around in a week. What about cancer??? I believe our bodies are fighting cancer everyday. Sometimes it just gets too big. My body has been and still is fighting. A God-given ability to fight. And it is amazing.

On Thursday, April 3, I will begin another clinical (experimental) trial. This one is another chemo. It is a new version of a trial that has been going on for awhile. It is new, in that it is a stronger version of the drug than they have previously used on patients. It appears I will be the first person to try this. Yes, as my dear friend called me today, I am a pioneer woman. Jeeeeze, my ancestors came over on the Mayflower (really!) so I come from adventurous stock! Yeah, that's one side of my family, one side of my personality. The other side is terrified LOL!

It goes without saying I covet your prayers. Many of you have been praying for me continually and I can never thank you enough. Again, I apologize for not posting sooner. Since October it has been one wild ride of ups and downs, new drugs, new side effects, more new drugs to treat new side effects and side effects from side effects. You think you are confused, you can imagine how my body feels! But hey, I'M STILL HERE!!! Out of the 22,000+ women who were diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer last year,17,000 are no longer with us. I have much to be thankful for. I am thankful for every minute I have on this earth with my children, my husband, my friends. Cherish the life God has given you.

Make the best of it. Live it to the fullest. Don't waste a minute on negativity or causing harm to anyone or anything. I promise you that if your days suddenly become numbered you will weep bitter tears as your heart cries out for those wasted moments.

I am fighting a battle against a strong, tenacious and deadly foe. Spiritual warfare is very real. I've known that for a long time, but never understood the degree of that truth until now. I can almost feel the battle raging for my life. I can't wait to see what happens with this new treatment now that I will have my warriors praying!!

Because of the intensity of what is happening in my life, I have become more outspoken. What good is the struggle if I can't share what I've learned? So be prepared for more lectures LOL! I will write more soon. In the meantime, know that God loves you more than you can imagine. His ways are hard to understand, but His will is perfect. If we seek Him, He will keep us in perfect peace.

Please pray this new treatment will bring hope not just to me, but to the thousands of women out there fighting this monster. Pray for my husband and children as they too have to live through this with me.

I, like the Israelites, am hemmed in on all sides. I am patiently waiting for the Red Sea to part.

Gratefully Yours,
Kyle

PS: This just in......please pray for my kidneys (that sounds kinda funny.) I just learned I have Bilateral Hydro Nephrosis from the little demons putting pressure on my "pipes." I need to start this treatment so surgery will have to wait. Ideally the blobs (I have many names for them,) will shrink and it won't be necessary. My kidneys just need to hang in there till then! Thanks!

UPDATE 4/4/08

Had the treatment yesterday and all went well. I'm feeling pretty good today, in fact I'm at a Boston rehearsal as I type this. It's a good place to recover. Great, positive, caring people. I am on a lot of medications to stifle the effects of the treatment, so I'll know better Sunday when I stop taking them. I'm feeling good about this treatment. Your prayers are precious to me and I so appreciate them. As I've said before I believe strongly in the power of those prayers. Even those of the tiniest faith are heard by a loving Father in Heaven.

Blessings and Joy,
Kyle

JULY 18, 2008

An e-mail to the Stryper Prayer Warriors........

Thank you for praying yesterday.  In all truth and sincerity,your prayers saved my life.  At about 80 cc's into a 300cc dose of my second chemo of the day (the first being Gemzar the second being Carbo)  I started to feel as though something was very wrong.  Without going into the gory details, I was having an allergic reaction to the Carbo.  Blessedly for me
(although it didn't feel that way at the time,) it began in my stomach. If it started in my respiratory system like it usually starts I may not be here typing this email.  By the time my nasal passages swelled up and closed down, the chemo nurses had, I believe, about 4 different drugs sailing through my system to counteract the allergic reaction.  God's hand
was on me as the reaction began in my stomach giving us a warning.  The Dana Farber-10 chemo nurses, Connie in particular, were angels.  They were on me in sceonds.  My oncologist was summonsed and there in a flash,mind you DF is a very big very busy cancer institute, (sadly....theres just too much cancer in the world.) I am at home now,recovering.  I'll fill  everyone in on what happens next in the post I am working on for Jeff  over at MichaelSweet.com.

Before I sign off I want to squelch any grumbles that may leak out of this email.  I know a true prayer warrior would never do such a thing so this does not reference any of you directly, at least I would hope not.  But I know information from the prayer chain can be shared and in my case that is fine, in fact Jeff, if you want to put this up at MS.com feel free. The obvious negativity that may come out of this would be, and wrongly so, "SOOOOO where was  Michael while Kyle was going through this."  I will tell you as Michael's wife, soulmate and confidently the love of his life. Michael was EXACTLY  where God wanted him to be.  Few times in life to we really, truly have our faith trusted in such a radical way.  I have never in my worldly mind needed Michael more.  His need, his yearning  to be by my side has never been greater.  But when I dare to look through spiritual eyes I see I need to to lean not on him but my Lord. This is my true test of faith.  I can confidently say Michael's and my relationship with Tom and Kim Scholz was divinely  appointed.  There was no striving, no "connections" no resumes.  A beautiful door gently blew open and there stood , totally unexpected, the next chapter of our lives.  (note to Kim P- I have not seen a butterfly all summer-I just glanced out my window to gather my thoughts and I saw THREE at once!!!!)

So back to my point.  I will go into this amazing testimony later in greater detail when I email Jeff, but, in a nutshell, This is all about God asking me "do you trust Me?'  As one treatment after another didn't work....."Do you trust Me?" As my CA-125 climbed higher and higher (and it is insanely high)...."Do you trust me?"  Yesterday,....."Do you trust Me"?  It is simple.  Is God big enough to fill Michael's shoes while he is away.....uuuuh, of course! Do will miss each other and long to be together?  Do we cry on the phone? Is this longing for one another painful? Oh course.  We are still human walking through a painful test of faith together, yet apart.  (We did get to see each other recently!  OH YEAH how awesome is that!!!  But once again you'll have to wait for details and photo's you-know-where :) I'm getting pretty tired so I'm going to wrap this up. 

Excuse my long windedness.  I really wanted to thank you for your prayers and give you an example of how God is hearing them.  I hope a little of what I have said can help you all in some way as you go through your own trails.  Do you really believe what you say/  Do you trust Him in all things? Take life's, trails, no matter how big and frightening, one day at a time. Make that your mantra, one day at a time. here comes my paranoia birthed of internet gossip- No i have never even been to an AA meeting.  I have no opinion of AA  except to say, they got the "One Day at a Time" right!!! And of course, keep looking up.  Even when you can't lift you head, he is there.

With Love and Appreciation,
Kyle